A test of independence

So, I've had a rough couple days. For the last month, Japan has had its ups and downs so far (most of those usually ups or at least mehs). But on Friday, a stream of bad occurrences started that I have had to deal with all weekend. Some of it has been my error, other things have been out of my control, and other times it has just been dealing with being almost completely independent in a foreign country. Let me tell you about my current misfortune.

It all started Friday day, after class got out. Class was fine and we learned a lot, but I was anxious to get out of there just because I am getting tired of this damn japanese class.
I wanted to head to Shinjuku for my doctor's appointment, because it was at 3 oclock in Aoyama-Itchome and that was supposedly only like 10 minutes by subway from Shinjuku. I planned to do some shopping and hang around Shinjuku until about 2:15 and then head over.
My friend Laurel asked if she could come with me shopping so I was was like, okay sure cool, more fun.

We get there and Laurel wants to go to a bank, and exchange money. It takes so long that we don't even get any time to go shopping. I feel really hungry though so I need to take a pit stop at starbucks, and when I try to get up to leave for the doctor's Laurel's like "wait!! let me finish my food!" ughh. She's fun to hang out with, but I really needed to get going. I ended up making it to Aoyama-Itchome on schedule, but then I couldn't find the hospital because there were two buildings... and the first on my path wasn't the right one.

So I got into the hospital a bit late, which is superrrr taboo in Japan, but apparently it was fine, because there was absolutely no hiccup in the hospital's schedule for me. The hospital was incredibly efficient and nice and whatever, and the staff were all friendly, and the only time I really spent waiting there was because I didn't hear my number being called for my prescription, and they kept calling higher and higher numbers, and I was just like maybe mine is an exception... finally I went up and they were like, oh, we called your number like, a half hour ago... fail. Japanese is hard, man.

I'll describe the hospital more in detail later, but I just had a bad experience with the doctor because the purpose of my visit was overlooked. I wanted to be referred to physical therapy for my shoulder, because ever since my collarbone was broken, my shoulder has really hurt and always feels weirdly stuck... now my arm and my hand go numb every time I wear a backpack or purse on my right side. It sucks.

The doctor, who was Japanese (I had a translator who was very skilled) did not seem to think I needed physical therapy, even though I told him it had helped in the united states, and instead prescribed me 4 different medications, 2 of which seemed completely irrelevant to my case. Sigh.

I don't want to take pain killers.
I want the problem solved. Or at least treated.
I don't really want to take more pills. They always have had weird side effects for me. I have to go to a gynecologist too because of related side effects due to my old acne medication. I hate all of my fucking medical problems and issues. I just feel broken and old and terrible and lame and helpless. I want to be well.

I left the hospital, feeling rather weird and depressed. Glared at every guy who checked me out with a death stare. Got home in an extreme angry tither as my depression bounced off the walls in my head and multiplied tenfold. When I got home, I cried and threw stuff and then took a shower and cried some more. Woo.

A strange thing happened in the shower, though. All of these extremely angry depressive thoughts were running through my head, overwhelming me, until I was just standing there as a sobbing naked wreak. As I let these thoughts just run through over and over again, they started to branch out and sound more composed and more lyrical. This was strange.

Suddenly, I felt like singing my thoughts was the only way to get these terrible thoughts out of my head.
It felt so freaking amazing and therapeutic.
I felt like nothing I could do at that moment was any more important at making myself feel well again.

I jumped out of the shower, wrote down some of the thoughts I was thinking on some paper, kept singing, got all of my anger and frustration out, and felt much better. I actually came up with some really good stuff, and it made me feel so much more human.

I love singing. I need to do it more often. I really want to do it here! I'm going to try and make a demo tape so I can apply to this jazz club I know of as a singer. I dream of making it big, but who knows. I just hope I can get more involved. That's why I plan to join an 音楽 (music) circle at Keio.

I turned my frustration and rage at this constant feeling of feeling that my broken body is beyond repair into a song. And recorded it later. Haha. Maybe I'll post it here.

Anyway, I felt better after that, enough to feel up to going out... my friends and I had been planning all week to go to this famous nightclub called Ageha. I decided I was going to forget about what happened that day and be strong and deal with my problems on my own. I was going to be independent and secure.

We drank a bit before leaving, so I was already pretty good by the time we got on the bus to Ageha (it's a bit out of Tokyo, so they have a bus, otherwise no one would go). We got to the club, and everyone was all psyched... and then my friend Tony couldn't get in. He's 19. So am I. I was worried, but before we got there my friend had already thought about it and was like hey, whatever, take my id, we're both white.
Tony argues with the people, but they aren't having it. Even though his birthday is in four days. What douchebags. He even used his Chinese ID. We were worried then, that they were really scrutinizing these ids (most clubs either don't card or don't look closely at american ids). I was planning to go in anyway, but then Kathleen took her id back because she was afraid they'd realize it was hers, which was total bullshit since we were with a group of like 12 people... honestly? That was completely paranoid.

So I was SUPER pissed, and Tony and I went back, with this other group of foreign kids and their japanese friend, who happened to forget her id, so she couldn't get in, even though she was like 25 or something. Tony and I became friends with them on the bus, and decided to go to a club together in Shibuya, since that was where the bus was headed and it was definitely already after the time that the subway/trains closed. I was pretty drunk, since we had been drinking, and I definitely was having a good time. We were going to go to this club called Club Asia, which I hope to go to sometime (cause it looks cool), but we decided to go to this club that looked really cool with free drinks all night with the cover fee of 25 bucks. I got in free somehow, because I just kind of drunk wandered into the club past the bouncers while my friends were paying for their entrance. I'm still not sure how it happened.

The club was great, we had a lot of fun and they were playing loud american music, which was fun. It was almost exclusively Japanese people too, which was cool. They had some cute dancers up on stage and stuff. I wasn't going to drink anymore, because I certainly didn't need to, but somehow I ended getting a drink from Tony. The night is pretty fuzzy, but we danced with a lot of cute Asian people and learned some cool dance moves, and then I saw this guy that was soooo cute I just had to dance with him. So I somehow seduced him and we started dancing and whatever and he and i got ANOTHER drink (what the HELL, Melissa!) and then we were dancing more and making out and having fun and whatever. I'm pretty sure I blacked out at this point, because the next thing I remember is Tony pulling me out of the club and me puking all over the sidewalk (first time in my life X_X) and me going "where is my purse?" and Tony also being hella drunk and being like "I have no idea!!!" And he said we needed to leave for some reason and we both wanted to puke and go home and just die so he was just like we'll come back tomorrow or something so we took the train back and Tony threw up on the train and it was SO GROSS. I felt like shit and I could barely stand, and somehow we got back to Sugamo and I didn't have anything... no key, no wallet, no phone... Tony paid for the weekly mansion people to open up my room so I could sleep, and I passed out drunk as hell in my room...

To be continued in the next post!

NHK and Pubbing: a fantastic day.

Tonight was awesome, mostly…
I feel like I'm still riding out the high from all of the excitement.
I was planning all day not to go to class tomorrow, but I got back around 10, so I was able to finish my very little hw (FINALLY) and decide that class is probably something I should attend if I can make it and actually feel sane.

I wanted to take a personal day, but I guess I can do that another time maybe. I think I need to save my absence though to see a doctor, I’m having some major recurring medical issues that I might want to go to two different doctors for. I don’t know if I should for my collarbone making my arm go numb, but this is a pretty shitty problem that I need to have taken care of before my body starts deteriorating further.

But anyway, today was awesome. We went to NHK, which is like this amazing tv station in Japan, and we did the tour… I don’t have time to talk all about it, but it was really fun! I got to record a short anime voiceover with other friends on the tour, see how they broadcast news (almost got to read and be on the tv example program but another guy in the tour beat me in a game of jan ken pon), see many different stuffed creatures, see a 3D movie that was really trippy and kind of hurt my eyes a little after, and see tv shows going on live from above. How cool! I had a lot of fun too because it was so kid-friendly, and it was really interactive. I felt like I was having as much fun as the little kids on tours around us. Some of the JWU students took some of us EAP kids on this trip, which I really was looking forward to. I want to maybe do commercials here, so I just need a hookup at NHK and maybe I’ll get the opportunity to make some money and do something really random and fun! D:
I really enjoyed hanging out with one of the girls I met today from JWU, Momoko! (Her name means Peach Child in Japanese). She was so nice and fun to hang out with! And I really enjoyed talking to her. I spoke so much Japanese today! And so fast! I feel amazing. Obviously I’m not great but I’m getting better everyday! Mainichi takusan naraimasu!!

Class wasn’t too bad either since I went to bed early last night and was totally awake the whole time. I am LEARNING from that example I have set for myself and going to bed EARLY so I can be alive in class tomorrow. It really made a difference in my enjoyment of Japanese today.

After NHK, some people went home, and the rest of us convened in an English pub in Shibuya! It was really fun. We went right at the beginning of happy hour, so drinks were much cheaper. I drankkkk a lot and it wasn’t even expensive. I started out with REALLY cheap drinks, but at the end I was getting pretty drunk and ordered myself a white tarantula, which was apparently one of the strongest drinks in this bar. You can imagine how I felt after :P

Loved the atmosphere, had fun with my eap friends and my new friends, and I met quite a few international people just by waiting in line for drinks or randomly talking to them with my friends. I actually took a dare from a couple of my friends and was about to get these guys from Holland to buy me a drink, but then everyone else wanted to go watch fireworks, so they took me with them. I didn’t want to stay with those guys anyway lol, I just wanted the drink and to win that bet! Hahaha. Everyone else was like “I don’t know how to get someone to buy me a drink!” I was like “Guys… it’s not that hard.” I haven’t even been to bars in America besides like… 18+ clubs, and I guess the only experience I have with that was getting guys to buy me drinks on my 19th birthday when we went to that club in SF, but I mean, seducing or even just whittling your way into a man’s alcohol cabinet/secret stash at a party in sb is the same sort of deal. MAN I am sounding pretty ridiculous right now. BUT it’s totally true. And it’s a skill any true lady needs. At least a lady who wants to have a good time and save cash. :D

After we went to the fireworks in Harajuku, which were beautiful and sparkly and awesome…. BUT, it was SOOOOO crowded and hot, and literally everyone needed to pee (takusan osake o nomimashita, neeeee), so we left after a bit to find a bathroom, chat a bit, exchange numbers, and then say goodbye to the JWU students! They were SOOOO nice. I really enjoyed this group of them.

Anyway, now I’m back and I am GOING TO BED so I can be awake in class tomorrow! I love you all!
P.S. I bought an amazing 990 yen skirt that is white and BEAUTIFUL! It has buttons and it’s silky and straight and medium length and I look sooo gooooodd in it. It looks really classy too. I needed one. Yay for Zara’s sale racks! My friend Taylor wasn’t joking when she said they were cheap!

Chopsticks

So, chopsticks. In Japan. Are different.
They are exactly the same utensil, but... there's so much associated with them.

In America, I was always proud of the fact that I could use chopsticks. I learned when I was young, probably from my dad (cuz he goes to Japan sometimes), so I never had an issue using them. Sometimes things would slip out of my grip, but honestly, I wasn't a 日本人 (nihonjin=japanese person) so it wasn't an issue.

The first date Max took me on, we got Japanese food at this little place in Santa Barbara. And I assumed everyone could use chopsticks, so I got him a pair... He totally failed. In a cute way, but he totally failed. :D All of his food fell apart. :P I thought everyone could use chopsticks, at least well enough to eat, but that's certainly not the case, so I felt even better for having this amazing ability. (sorry Max! You're awesome in every other way.)

Sometimes I would even eat ice cream with chopsticks, just because it was fun. Americans seem to think that's crazy. I enjoyed the challenge. After a while, it was really easy. Almost easier than a spoon. And better mini serving sizes. I was so Asian-minded. So Japanese inside! My friends called me an egg sometimes, especially when I decided I was going to spend my study abroad time in Japan becoming more Asian. (An egg is yellow inside, white outside).
If you know how much I loved all things Asian, it makes sense.

Now I came to Japan thinking I could use chopsticks. Rightfully so. I had heard that there were some funny little rules surrounding chopsticks, like sticking them into food straight up and down together was like stirring the dead bones of ancestors or something. Some crazy nihonjin shit. I didn't subscribe.

(A short side note: I feel like here, I have a choice of subscribing to Nihonjin mentality or being an outsider. Not that it's this overbearing mentality of obedience and subservience and extreme patience and frequently excusing oneself , but sometimes it is. And sometimes I don't agree with it. And it's uncomfortable. But other times I figure I might as well try being on time, being respectful, trying to be quiet as possible in cafes and on the train... Sometimes it feels right. And totally more efficient, reasonable, and sensible than America. Sometimes I find myself wondering why we don't subscribe to such a mentality with certain aspects of American life. Other times I feel totally oppressed. And a little lonely.)

ANYWAY.

I thought I could use chopsticks. The way I use them might be a little different than the how the wrappers of chinese and japanese resturarant wood chopsticks say to use them, but it worked for me. As long as I could eat, I would be fine, right?

Not so.

In the cafeteria, one of the first days I was eating lunch with some friends from EAP, some of the more Japanese girls noticed how I was holding my chopsticks and immediately brought attention to it.

"Don't you know how to use chopsticks?"
"Yes..."

"Well, you're not supposed to cross them ever when you eat... It's considered impolite or insulting. We don't care, of course, lol, but you might want to fix your hand position just so japanese people don't get offended... but it's cool if you don't, you're white anyway so they'll just think you're a cute gaijin who can't use chopsticks..."

I was blown away. I thought I could use chopsticks, though! And I definitely didn't think these social rules about chopsticks would ever be important. How strange.

I started thinking I was inadequate. And not Japanese enough. I didn't want Japanese people thinking I was some lame dumb gaijin.
So I asked for help.

This sparked a long conversation about social "rules" associated with chopsticks, like the aforementioned dead grandmother ashes/bones/whatever position. (Btw, don't stick your chopsticks into rice completely upright, that is to signify that your bowl is an offering of food for a dead spirit... who would know? Here's some more tips in case you want to become an extremely anal yet polite japanese person. http://www.justhungry.com/your-guide-better-chopstick-etiquette-mostly-japanese)

We spent a good twenty minutes correcting my hand position, but the way I held chopsticks was just so different that it was very hard for me to correct it. The fingers just didn't... go.

It's the same way for me with a pencil... ever since elementary school I have held my pencil differently than everyone else. It's always worked for me. I guess I just like being a inner rebel and doing common knowledge shit differently than everyone else unknowingly. I'm sorry, Japan! I guess I'm just too American.

Regardless of my complete failure to be a polite gaijin that day, I made a resolution that while I was in Japan, I would learn how to use chopsticks the right way. Maybe I wouldn't adhere to this dead grandmother crap (actually I probably will for fear of SCARY SOCIAL REPERCUSSIONS, ooohhhh haha), but I would at least learn how to hold them right.

Every day, I have conciously made an effort to hold chopsticks the right way. It felt awkward at first and I felt like I lacked muscles in my fingers in the way they were oriented, but I knew I was making progress.

Is that what Japanese people do? Suffer through everything until they are gods at EVERYTHING in Japan and make fun of foreigners for suffering while learning their customs? (ie kanji, chopsticks, waiting for very long periods on crowded trains while being silent and avoiding people's gazes, etc)

I don't know. I'm starting to think it might be true, the longer I stay here.

But I can say that whenever I learn more Japanese, or kanji, or a custom, or how to USE CHOPSTICKS THE RIGHT WAY DAMMIT!!!, I get this wonderful feeling of high class satisfaction. I am doing something my rude, brusque, gigantic American brothers and sisters would never be able to even feasibly handle. At least, I think this is my inner nihonjin talking. She's in there. Repressed and confused. And really, really pretty.

(Don't worry, I am a rude, brusque, gigantic American myself. It happens. I sometimes feel like I should tiptoe here.)

Anyway, so now I can say that I can hold chopsticks the right way, three weeks into this rigorous psychological chopstick food torture.

This is true because it was confirmed by nihonjin that weren't even close friends of mine yet. I was hanging out with my nihonjin friend Akane and her friends after we went to see fireworks at the Hanabi Takai on Saturday night. (It was quite fun, by the way... I always heart nihon no hanabi over america no hanabi... they're just so much better and bigger and more beautiful...) Anyway, after getting sufficiently wasted with all of my new nihonjin friends and my one amazing old nihonjin tomodachi, we went to get some food and drink some more... I ordered ramen.
Without even thinking about it (you know, I was drunk), I lifted my chopsticks and ate my ramen...

The right way.

Rainbows sparkled in the sky. The lights flickered in the room. A sexy Japanese man took off his shirt, threw it on the floor, and offered me his hand.
You know it happened.

My new friend Hiro, who happens to also be a student at Keio, turned to me and said "You use your chopsticks very nicely!" I looked down at my hand, perfectly curved around the chopsticks, gripping the noodles in my ramen tightly with ease. The sticks did not cross. Once. Ever.

I smiled. And my inner nihonjin did too.

Tired..

I am tired of my japanese class. It sucks. It's boring and I feel like up until today, we haven't really learned as much as we should have by now. The teaching style is not okay for me, and the textbook we have that they said we should study is horrendous. There are only japanese examples for problems, no explanations, and no grammar. If the grammar and vocab explanations were in english, that would be one thing, but no explanation for what we are supposed to be learning exists. And the teachers explain everything in a really roundabout way, rarely write things down, and expect us to retain everything they say as an explanation in japanese. This is just stupid. I complained so much yesterday that my teacher finally let me see her textbook.... which is the textbook we really neeeded. It explains all of the grammar cases and verb forms and verb phrases in english and provides a written explanation of the dialogues. Um... Why didn't we get that?
I borrowed her textbook to study for the test we had today, which was still hard, but I can't imagine taking the test today without looking at her text. Everyone seems worn out and frustrated. I know I am.
Our senseis in school do nothing to keep us motivated. In fact, they discourage me. I feel like they are not actually teaching us, they just are doing nothing to torture us. The only thing I feel like I am learning is RANDOM-ASS particles, and Kanji. At least we're learning Kanji. But still. That's kanji I'm teaching myself for class on MY OWN TIME. Fuck this school. I can't wait to be out of there. Nihon Joshi Daigaku wa totemo baka na daigaku desu ne. Blah.

I know this is an intensive class... but really? Do they have to make it so after we wake up early (which makes us have to go to bed rather early for most college students), we go to class for a long time, then do homework for hours and not even have the time, will, or energy to go out and have fun/explore Tokyo? That's what most of us really are here for. I'm just trying to get through this month at this point... I kind of wish I could have just come maybe two weeks early, done some study on my own, and gone to Keio... Keio just seems like it will be so much more up my alley, what with the social life, circles (I want to join a music circle or club! Maybe two, depending on the time commitment needed), fun classes that only happen once a week, less homework, more free time...
I just want to be able to chill out and not be constantly worrying about homework or memorizing, or blowing it off and then getting screwed. I need time to sleep, work out, and be my normal self. I'm not getting enough sleep. It is frustrating. Oh well.... I'm going to make it through. Once I get through this, I will be so much stronger, I hope. I just need to get more sleep, not worry about school but still get my shit done, and get those damn 12 units. I need an A. Oh me. Always trying for the A. I know everyone else here is like that too, so it's hard to avoid the mentality.

By the way, since Saturday I've been on my period, and I'm feeling swollen and fat today... and my shoulder and my collarbone have been acting up. I hate it. My parents kept discouraging me from going to the chiropractor/physical therapist, but honestly, I really need to be going. I have scoliosis and my back sucks and my shoulder is never going to heal if I don't get some outside help. Today when I went shopping with some of my friends in ikebukuro after class (finally a break!), my shoulder and collarbone felt really sore... I never feel like I can get comfortable on that side of my body. I was wearing a very light purse on my right side (the once-broken side) and my entire arm kept turning numb... I don't think this is normal. I really need help. And at least a massage, for the moment. It's very uncomfortable. Sigh. I just want to feel better. And normal. I don't want to be a completely broken 50 year old lady, let alone a completely broken 19 year old... :/

Sometimes I forget that I am only nineteen. I feel like I have lived so much already. I feel like I've lived around 28 or 30 years of my life right now. It's weird.

Wish me luck, guys. I'm not feeling so good, but I'm going to try and pull through, get my shoulder feeling more normal somehow, and pass this class. And I'm going to have a damn good time while I'm at it, hopefully. Maybe a better attitude will keep me more motivated.

Ciao from the other side of the world,

Melissa

P.S.

At least, maybe, this whole Japan trip is giving me really good mental tactics for coping with things on my own. I'm definitely becoming more dependent, what with making decisions about food, when I sleep, who I hang out with (well, that one is already a decision I'm used to making), if doing something is a good or a bad idea, whether a certain amount of fun is too much fun based on how much homework/tests I have... etc. I don't like making the last decision, either. It's tough. I'm learning how to keep myself happy too. Or at least trying. I haven't perfected it yet. We'll see how good I am at this at the end of the year.

Hey, so I have been really bad about updating already. Sigh.
But I will be better in the future. This is just a temporary lag, due to all the craziness, excitement, and lack of sleep due to tons of class, many activities and outings with friends, and the like. I have been either extremely excited and awake or DEAD tired. I got to class today and I literally could not even keep my eyes open. I just my head down on the desk and went to sleep. It was so hard to even stay awake! It was insane. And super rude, since my japanese teacher was like uhhhh.... DON'T SLEEP IN CLASS! :( and I tried so hard not to...
Finally I got a coffee. It was this BOSS brand milk latte from the vending machine upstairs. Can't get over the fact that BOSS is a coffee brand here. It's awesome. I had it a couple days ago and it was delicious, but it made me all jittery and heart-poundy, but I figured it would keep me awake. I walked back to the classroom, feeling haggard, gross, and exhausted, since I had literally woken up 10 minutes before I left for school and just threw my life together before running out the door. It was fun. Sigh. It definitely worked its magic, so I was fine, but it was strange how sleepy I was earlier. I'm just exhausted from the workload of japanese class already, and wanting to do fun things at night, and EXPLORE japan since I'm fucking IN JAPAN. Haha. It's mostly great, but I definitely have had a couple really bad days here. I don't have enough time to elaborate, but here's a facebook update status of mine from a couple days ago...

FUCKKKKKKKK
I have HUGE insect bites that are tiny little bites all joined together. I have to debug my entire room and I'm afraid to sleep in my bed. I have too much homework and class SUCKED today. And somebody fell/jumped in front of the train at my station and died. I didn't see it but hearing everything was enough. FUCK. I was right there. AND THEN GRACE'S TOILET EXPLODED. WHY IS TODAY THE FUCKING APOCALYPSE????


So, yeah... It's not been all sunshine and rainbows. I was afraid to sleep in my bed that night due to the fear of being eaten alive by more unknowable bugs, so I cleaned and vaccumed and went through all of my stuff until about 1:30 am (I have class at 9 and I have to get up at 7:30 am to leave) and slept on top of my blankets, and wore long pjs and a long sleeved shirt to bed. And socks. I felt like an anal clean freak, but honestly I feel like I needed to do it. Cleaning vigorously is not a normal thing for me until I get unidentifiable bug bites that hurt and swell to huge proportions and are comprised of thousands of tiny little bumps.... It really freaked me out.

Now I finally got the front desk to change all of my bedding... Yes. It's hard to deal with them since they understand and speak absolutely no English, so I feel like I have to prepare a speech every time I need to talk to them. I felt so amazing when I was able to sleep in my bed without fear. I love beds. I love doing my homework on my bed. And chilling on it. And sleeping. And having friend over to watch tv on it. It's just... completely neccessary. Duh.

So tonight, I plan to go out with a couple of my girl friends from the EAP program who are living in the Weekly Mansion.. Planning to go out and drink and get food and then do karaoke! I am psyched. :) I can't wait to sing my heart out. I want to be a pop star in Japan. And famous. Seriously. I'm going to audition. Just you wait. I've been talking about it with Taylor. It's nice, we both want to be famous and audition for TV commercials and other stuff... We can motivate each other :)
Later! The Tokyo nightlife awaits!

<3
Melissa