Tired..

I am tired of my japanese class. It sucks. It's boring and I feel like up until today, we haven't really learned as much as we should have by now. The teaching style is not okay for me, and the textbook we have that they said we should study is horrendous. There are only japanese examples for problems, no explanations, and no grammar. If the grammar and vocab explanations were in english, that would be one thing, but no explanation for what we are supposed to be learning exists. And the teachers explain everything in a really roundabout way, rarely write things down, and expect us to retain everything they say as an explanation in japanese. This is just stupid. I complained so much yesterday that my teacher finally let me see her textbook.... which is the textbook we really neeeded. It explains all of the grammar cases and verb forms and verb phrases in english and provides a written explanation of the dialogues. Um... Why didn't we get that?
I borrowed her textbook to study for the test we had today, which was still hard, but I can't imagine taking the test today without looking at her text. Everyone seems worn out and frustrated. I know I am.
Our senseis in school do nothing to keep us motivated. In fact, they discourage me. I feel like they are not actually teaching us, they just are doing nothing to torture us. The only thing I feel like I am learning is RANDOM-ASS particles, and Kanji. At least we're learning Kanji. But still. That's kanji I'm teaching myself for class on MY OWN TIME. Fuck this school. I can't wait to be out of there. Nihon Joshi Daigaku wa totemo baka na daigaku desu ne. Blah.

I know this is an intensive class... but really? Do they have to make it so after we wake up early (which makes us have to go to bed rather early for most college students), we go to class for a long time, then do homework for hours and not even have the time, will, or energy to go out and have fun/explore Tokyo? That's what most of us really are here for. I'm just trying to get through this month at this point... I kind of wish I could have just come maybe two weeks early, done some study on my own, and gone to Keio... Keio just seems like it will be so much more up my alley, what with the social life, circles (I want to join a music circle or club! Maybe two, depending on the time commitment needed), fun classes that only happen once a week, less homework, more free time...
I just want to be able to chill out and not be constantly worrying about homework or memorizing, or blowing it off and then getting screwed. I need time to sleep, work out, and be my normal self. I'm not getting enough sleep. It is frustrating. Oh well.... I'm going to make it through. Once I get through this, I will be so much stronger, I hope. I just need to get more sleep, not worry about school but still get my shit done, and get those damn 12 units. I need an A. Oh me. Always trying for the A. I know everyone else here is like that too, so it's hard to avoid the mentality.

By the way, since Saturday I've been on my period, and I'm feeling swollen and fat today... and my shoulder and my collarbone have been acting up. I hate it. My parents kept discouraging me from going to the chiropractor/physical therapist, but honestly, I really need to be going. I have scoliosis and my back sucks and my shoulder is never going to heal if I don't get some outside help. Today when I went shopping with some of my friends in ikebukuro after class (finally a break!), my shoulder and collarbone felt really sore... I never feel like I can get comfortable on that side of my body. I was wearing a very light purse on my right side (the once-broken side) and my entire arm kept turning numb... I don't think this is normal. I really need help. And at least a massage, for the moment. It's very uncomfortable. Sigh. I just want to feel better. And normal. I don't want to be a completely broken 50 year old lady, let alone a completely broken 19 year old... :/

Sometimes I forget that I am only nineteen. I feel like I have lived so much already. I feel like I've lived around 28 or 30 years of my life right now. It's weird.

Wish me luck, guys. I'm not feeling so good, but I'm going to try and pull through, get my shoulder feeling more normal somehow, and pass this class. And I'm going to have a damn good time while I'm at it, hopefully. Maybe a better attitude will keep me more motivated.

Ciao from the other side of the world,

Melissa

P.S.

At least, maybe, this whole Japan trip is giving me really good mental tactics for coping with things on my own. I'm definitely becoming more dependent, what with making decisions about food, when I sleep, who I hang out with (well, that one is already a decision I'm used to making), if doing something is a good or a bad idea, whether a certain amount of fun is too much fun based on how much homework/tests I have... etc. I don't like making the last decision, either. It's tough. I'm learning how to keep myself happy too. Or at least trying. I haven't perfected it yet. We'll see how good I am at this at the end of the year.